Sunday, July 12, 2009

Confessions...

I have a terrible confession, my friends, about a spree of such violence and terror that I can scarcely relate the details even now, such is my shame and guilt. You see the other day a mood swept upon me, a foul and destructive mood, such that I felt compelled to act on my most base and violent instincts! In preparing for the fulfillment of these carnal urges I stripped off my shirt and donned headphones; this spree of violence required a soundtrack. To ensure I would hear the music and not the inevitable noise of my rampage I added to this ensemble noise-blocking hearing protection. Half naked I stepped out into the bright sun and began a slaughter of such magnitude that I fail to find words to describe the carnage. Countless millions slain and mutilated; I marched with steady and grim determination cutting a steady swatch through my small kingdom. Back and forth, back and forth I walked, pushing my instrument of dismemberment and destruction across the land, spreading body parts of my countless victims upon the ground. A sticky mess covered everything by the time I was done; my equipment, my sweat-drenched body, the plants on the ground... But no, my friends, the carnage does not end here! Indeed I had only whetted my appetite and I knew I could not quench my thirst for chlorophyll-covered destruction. Traveling to the land of my parents I engaged in a slaughter that put my earlier efforts to shame! Over the course of an hour using an apparatus especially designed for this kind of mayhem I drove forth what can be described as a modified war chariot and decimated all before me! When I was done, covered in sweat and gore, I gazed upon the acres of mutilation around me and felt the stirrings of pride. Still my thirst for violence remained unquenched and so I returned the mechanical monstrosity with which I had mutilated untold millions, shearing them short, to its dark lair whereupon I did seize a hold of a contraption you might liken to a motorized scythe. To that comparison I put it to work most fitting, chopping down all those individuals who had escaped my full-speed-ahead charge previously. Soon not one remained standing that I had not touched in some foul way. I felt, at this time, nearly satiated, but there remained one more sick task before me. I decided to take the mutilated and chopped up remains of the elders that had been cut down with chainsaws and shredded in mighty chippers and spread them around the base of the younger flora, bedding them in the mutilated remains! Finally my lust for violence was drained and I retired for the night, having mowed and mulched all day...

2 comments:

Mikel said...

LOL You have a way with words :-p

Rachel Collins said...

Clever.